Google goes Kerouac on your ass

Dear Eric Schmidt, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer, Topeka Inc. ,

For starters, I'd like to start by telling you and your company thank you for allowing me to get through college. I feel without direct pipeline access to my cliffnotes and quick searches, I'd never of made it thru. Today you've caught my eye with your little switch-a-roo with Topeka, KS. It's one thing for a mayor to try and gain some media attention by suggesting such a hip idea as switching its city name to Google, but its a completely different thing for a mega company to be so damn relaxed and chill about it.

Commie companies like Goojje have been trying to ride your namesake's coattails to success for years now and for you to just give it away and keep rolling is hilarious. I think its a great example of how there's still new frontiers for advertising. Its hard to hit a moving target, so fuck em...Let em take the name. I was just discussing yesterday how desensitized I've become to the media and how nothing catches my eye anymore, but Kudos - ya got me.

Lets see if I've been fooled or if you guys actually do switch names with Topeka.

Cheers,
Phil

PS...Fuck You. I'd watch Topeka Talk if it was a "folky midwestern morning show." Bring your little Cali hairstyle to St. Louis and see how "folky" we are bitch.

We'll start this out with some emotion... MOVE THE HELL OVER!!!

Dear slow left lane drivers,

This is my final attempt at talking my way through our issues. As a warning from here on its a physical kinda thing we're gonna find ourselves in the middle of. Think of it like this: the left lane on the highway is a club that's way too cool and trendy for you...Even though you're in it your not having any fun and nobody wants you there either.

I (along with everyother DC suburbanite) spend a minimum of 12 hours per week jammed in the hell called 495/270. That being said, I know am not the only person with some serious road rage issues that are exacerbated by your presence in OUR lane. If you wanna drive with a 300 yard gap in between you and the cars in front of you then stay in YOUR 3 other lanes filled with soccer moms and blue-haired bingo-dobbing seniors. If your pullin this shit in my lane be prepared to be accosted and berrated until you either A.) move over or B.) pull over to recieve your jaw breaking roundhouse kick that you have so graciously earned...I'm serious. I've gotten outa the car before and it went suprisingly well, so I'm ready to test my luck again.

Let me say I'm sorry for how our relationship has developedand that I wish it wasn't like this. I respect your right to drive slow over there, so whats your problem with me over here. I'm sorry you dont wanna go home cause your wife looks like a troll and you got 7 screamin shit-factory kids at home, NOT MY FAULT. I wanna get where I'm goin cause I like my pad and my woman, so scoot your ass over so I can just that in a timely manner. Thanks so much.

Sincerely,

"Aggressive Drivers of the DMV"

Letter #1

To everyone,

As an introduction to me and my letters, I feel you need some insight as to what you can expect from me and my lucid ramblings. This is simply an attempt for me to relieve a minor amount of everyday stress in my life by putting my feelings down on paper. Being I'm a very opinionated person, I express everything I feel pretty much as I'm feeling it. Lately, my wife has found a new favorite response to deal with me when I really get on a tirade. She says, "if you're so mad about it, then write a damn letter." So, in essence thats what I'm doing. This is your fault Kim.

I'm going to be discussing the issues that I want resolved, and finding the people with the answers or at very least some kind of responsibility to the problem. I will be creating this under fictional contexts, but if the letters start actually making sense and any of you people agree with my stance then I'll start sending these to the intended recipients. Although I'm gonna try to stay off of government hit lists politics/policy, religion, race issues, and anything else I wanna talk about are all fair game.

Finally, lets cover the disclaimer... I don't pull any punches, so you can anticipate being offended in some way by me at some point. BUT, If you know anything about me to start with you'd know I dont give a shit about you're fragile feelings...grow one or two additional layers of skin and deal with it.If you wanna stop reading then STOP, but I'd much rather argue with you about something before you go. Stick around, I'm bound to say something witty at some point.

Harrison out.